Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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