i would punch a child for taco bell
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
