I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
