i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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