I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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