DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
