Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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