He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
