I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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