She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
