your parents love me but you hate me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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