I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
