Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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