My nipple is on Facebook.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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