I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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