so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
