I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize