I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
