ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
