YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize