im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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