Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize