I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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