so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
