the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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