I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
