In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
