Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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