Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Couch. On fire.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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