Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
