Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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