when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
