I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
