She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
