GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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