when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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