I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
