sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
