That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
