I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
