I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize