I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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