like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you had me at cake vodka
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize