what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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