who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
