Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just tell him i said nine months
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
