you would pick up someone in the library
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
