I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
