i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He felt like a one man threesome
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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