It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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