You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
