My Higher Power is John Stamos
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
