I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
