I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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