if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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