Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
