3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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