Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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