I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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