Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
