Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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