I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
