If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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