At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize