Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
