How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
