Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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