I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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