It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
