Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
