tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
