note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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