Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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