He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
