Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
