Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
