your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
