I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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